Waking up this morning, I decided to take some time and spend my first moments with God as part of a challenge my pastor gave to the church yesterday. And when I first opened my eyes, I was struck by a massive headache that discontinued any idea or thought of doing anything but taking some Tylenol and getting back into bed to close my eyes. But it was in the midst of that, that I felt God really showed up and showed me more of Himself. Let me explain:
As I mentioned, I woke up with a headache this morning. I had spent a lot of time on the computer the day and night before writing papers for my graduate program classes. Hours and hours of screen time that I believe in the end was probably just too much and today I woke up suffering for it all. So, I crawled out of bed, grabbed some Tylenol and water, and then crawled back into bed. Shortly after, I heard my 3-year-old son at my door asking to come in. Not wanting to move, but knowing that his momma was already out of the house this morning, I reluctantly got up and let him in. First thing out of his mouth was that he wanted his routine cup of milk and protein shake that he drinks every morning. Barely able to stand upright because of the pounding in my head and blind as a bat because I didn’t bother to put my glasses on, I stumbled around the kitchen to get everything prepared for him, handed it to him and put on a show for him to watch as I once again tried to make my way back to bed. And then I heard him again come into my room. And this is what he said…”Daddy? I want to snuggle with you.” Pulling him up into the bed, he brought his little security blanket with him and wanted to get under the covers with me snuggling up close and into my body heat. And as any three year old toddler is, my son is probably more hyper than the average kid so his usual demeanor would be to bouncing on the bed and kicking me as he twists and turn under the sheets until I finally get out of bed. But today was different. He came in, settled close, and was still. He put his arm over top of my shoulders and just lay next to me. Opening my eyes and looking at him with one eye over the curvature of the pillow, I saw him settled and looking away but just content where he was. When he looked up at me, the one eye I could see squinted as I knew he smiled seeing me watch him and he looked away and then back at my eye to continue to watch me. We laid there for a good few minutes just looking at each other and enjoying our time to snuggle. There was no talking, no extra movements, and honestly just a peace that as I think on it now still amazes me. Thinking back on our few moments this morning, I realized that God wants that type of relationship with each of us. He wants us to come and spend time with Him. To snuggle up close and just, be. When my son came to me, he had a few needs that I provided for him because I am his father and I know his needs. But then once those immediate needs were met, although he could have gone and watched his favorite show on Amazon or Netflix, he decided he wanted to spend time with his daddy. So, he sought me out. How many of us only go to God when we need something, and when those needs or wants are fulfilled, we go back to the other things in life that will take our focus off of Him? Are we taking time to seek out our Father in heaven just to be in His presence? And how many of us think through a list of exclusions and excuses as to why we have not spent time with our Daddy? I am not awake enough, I have not asked for forgiveness for…, I don’t know what to say, etc. As my son crawled into my bed and was getting under the covers, I could smell his wet pullup that he was still wearing from the night. I knew he was “dirty” and trying to snuggle up next to me with his dirty diaper still on. But did that make me love him any less? Of course not! I was just in love with the fact that he would want to come snuggle with me. And I knew that I would get up and change him out of the pullup soon. But for now, I just wanted to spend some of our first moments this morning with him. Do you think that because we have chosen to sin that God will not receive us and hold close to us until he has changed our metaphorical diaper? Until he has removed the unclean? I don’t believe that this is the type of love that the Bible uses to describe God. As I conclude this post for now, I will continue to ponder on the message and talk to God about our relationship. I would encourage each of you reading this to do the same. Take a look at your relationship with God. When is the last time that you took time to just be in His presence? Don’t worry about the dirty laundry you have. Don’t worry about how you are presenting. Just go to God and be, with Him. Seek Him out. No agenda, no ask, just be. A song on my mind this morning that I encourage you all to listen to is Dear God by Cory Asbury. Go read through the lyrics. Enjoy and reflect on where you are this morning. Go be, with God.
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If ever there was a time to seize the day, it would be now. Carpe Diem. With Covid-19 rapidly spreading across the planet, much of the world has been ordered to stay at home. All events, social gatherings, sports, concerts, and anything with more than 10 people has been stopped to help “flatten the curve” of the spread of Covid-19. And therefore, the excuses that I used to make whether consciously or subconsciously about why I was not socially reaching out to my friends both past and present, have now all been taken away.
For me, some time would pass that I would not contact my friend(s) and after a while, when I would think about that friend, I would feel embarrassed that I had allowed so much time to pass without reaching out. Oftentimes, the embarrassment would stop me from contacting them which would then allow the passing of time to grow greater. Of course, there is social media: Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat, Line, Whatsapp...etc. But even with those platforms, that friend you’ve lost personal contact with shows up in your feed every once in a while. It is a very impersonal way to stay informed. It does not strengthen a friendship just to know about what is happening in someone’s life when they choose to inform the “world”. What is personal, meaningful, and will last through thick and thin are the relationships where you talk to one another. Reading this far, you may have said to yourself that relationships are two way streets. And you are completely correct. A good relationship will not survive very long or be very strong if it is one sided. One person always being the person to reach out to the other or that one person always giving will eventually wear that person down and they will feel used, unimportant, and/or tired. If that one person does not have reciprocation in the friendship, they will need to ask themselves if the juice is worth the squeeze? I think of juicing an orange when I use that analogy. It takes quite a bit of work to get juice out of an orange. The juice will oftentimes taste much better than that from a bottle or concentrate but what you get out of a single orange is very little. So, it takes multiple oranges which makes the work compound to get a good glass of orange juice. Is the work worth the outcome? Or would it be better to just get the OJ from someplace easier? A relationship worth pursuing has to be juice worth the squeeze. There has to be an equal or better benefit for someone to put in the work. I am not responsible for the actions of others. I can only be held accountable for my personal actions. I cannot control the actions of these friends I have lost contact with. I can however reach back out to them no matter how much time has passed and attempt to rekindle a friendship with them. I’ve looked at my life a lot in the last few years and thought about the fact that I have had some really great friends around and in my life. But I have had a lot of great friends over my lifetime that I have fallen away from for whatever rhyme or reason. And when I truly look at my life without them, it brings me sadness to know that they are no longer a part of my life. I am not sure that I have ever taken such an active role in attempting to regain those relationships as I am now. I don’t believe that on my deathbed I would look back at my life and wish I wasn’t a part of my friend’s lives. I don’t believe I would think “man, I wish I could have done more things on my own”. I think, if anything, my regret would be not having the moments, impact, and significance in the lives of those I care about when I had the chance. So this is the challenge I am putting out there to all you as well as to myself. Carpe Diem. Seize this day. Do not let another day pass without reaching out to those friends you have lost contact with. Decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. If it is, let nothing stand in your way. Because situations like what we have in front of us do not happen every day. Covid-19 is a once in a lifetime situation. Life will only get busier again as time goes on. Understand that if it is still a "not now" mentality, you are likely choosing never. 1/12/2020 Do you remember the age of innocence? Or was it the age of ignorance? Maybe it was a little of both. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We were innocent from our lack of experience and ignorant of the many challenges that growing older would bring. Our faith was pure but frail. We stood on the teachings of our parents and teachers but once again since we had not had the experiences ourselves, we could only partially receive, understand, or comprehend the lessons. It is almost like we were being taught how to multiply before we understood how to count. I remember people saying life would be hard and there would be people out there that would kick me when I was down. And although I thought I understood the warnings, I had no idea of just how tough life would get. I had no concept of really being down and not having the energy to pick myself up again before the next kick of life hit me. It was my age of innocence and ignorance. … I’m tired. Not just the kind of tired that one gets at the end of the day. I am tired of working so hard and feeling like I am still sinking. Choked of life, gasping for breathing room, and fighting with every ounce of energy I have, it feels like I’ve been giving everything I can for so long. I’ve been working hard putting in the hours in every job I’ve held. Fighting for not only the paycheck but also the fulfillment of doing what I was created to do. Stretching myself to make an impact. Striving for significance. The greater part of my adult life has not been easy. It has been an uphill battle for as long as I can remember. Not even the things that should be easy like having children with my wife, was easy. Several years into our marriage when we were officially “trying” to have children, I was diagnosed as having a genetic disorder that would not allow me to naturally conceive. The desire to be a father was instilled in me at an early age. It was one of my dreams and deepest desires to be a good father and loving husband for my family yet at the time, even that dream felt like it was being stolen from me. 1/13/2020 Have I been running this race under my own power? I hate running. But the analogy works so I’m going with it. This whole time I’ve thought I’ve been giving it to God. But I’m tired. Am I supposed to be this tired? And I feel like I’ve been in a desert. I’m starving and thirsty for a word or touch from God. And the wandering has been so long that I feel like the answers to my problems are eluding me. My relationship with God has slowed as I feel like I’ve not had a taste of His refreshing and life giving Water for so long. I’m coming back to the Heart of Worship. I’m sitting at His feet. This week I voiced a challenge to my wife and explained that for the next week I was going to end every day, where I would normally flip on the television and watch a show to relax, with a worship list playing on YouTube. I will spend time with God every night and just try to soak in whatever I can. So the playlist starts with a declaration that Nothing Else matters. I just want to sit in His presence. And then it progresses to See a Victory. “I’m gonna see a Victory. For the battle belongs to You Lord…I’m gonna worship You Lord through this battle…You take what the enemy meant for evil and You turn it for good.” Next we go to Way Maker. As once again I declare that God will make a way for me through this desert. “Way Maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, Light in the darkness, My God, that is who You are.” I’m positioning myself to rest in His presence. I am positioning myself to be filled by Him. I am expecting Him. But not limiting Him by saying speak to me or bless me or fill in the blank. I am just here and I am welcoming Him. 1/16/2020 Its been a week of nightly worship and I love the fact that my kids use it as a stalling technique when it comes time for bedtime…”Daddy, we not worship?” my daughter loves to say when we’ve already announced its time for bed. So to compromise, usually the kids get about another 15 mins worth of YouTube worship videos played because daddy gets sucked into the worship. I’ve got a playlist of videos I’ve been playing all week and in addition to watching the worship, I’ve been able to join in on the singing once my spirit calms a little and I clear my head from the noise. Ever see the movie For the Love of the Game? There are several scenes in the movie where Kevin Costner, the main character of the movie is pitching and needs to clear the chants of the crowd. In his head, he says “Clear the Mechanism” and all the sounds around him clear so he can focus on the batter and his next pitch. How amazing it would be if we could make this simple statement and all our troubles for the day would quiet. “Clear the mechanism” and the worries, anxieties and stresses would cease from weighing us down and drowning our minds. “Clear the mechanism” and we would be able to enter into worship unhindered. But we know that this is not the case. Simply saying the words does not make it all go away. Yet I do know, from experience, that truly praying and asking God to relieve you of those things helps to clear the mechanism. Sometimes, those worries just go away. Sometimes, it takes presenting those stresses to God and declaring that He has you in His hands and you are refusing to take them any further on your journey. And sometimes, God gives you the space just to deal with all of it safely in His presence. This is what I like to call “beat(ing) the ground”. I’ve had some knock down drag out times with my issues, insecurities, worries, anxieties, stresses, and heart breaks where I literally cried out to God and beat my fists or whatever I had in my hands against the ground. Sometimes the questions are “Why God?”, “What?”, “How?”, or even “When?”. And I know plenty of Christians say “don’t question God or His ways” which I think is unnatural. Don’t get me wrong. I do think we need to trust in the Lord with all of our heart and lean not on our own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight. But I also believe that God is big enough and tough enough to handle us when we earnestly are seeking, asking and sometimes beating the ground. I guess I write all of this with a tired mind but a renewed spirit. My problems have not disappeared. They still exist like they did at the beginning of this week. And I am still tired mentally, spiritually, and physically. But spiritually this week in taking the time to worship every night, I have built up some spiritual strength. Enough to remember that God is worthy of our praise regardless of our circumstances. And so I end this entry today with the lyrics of the worship song that has been the fresh drink of Living Water that I’ve needed to make it through the week. I encourage each of you to go to the bottom of this post and open the YouTube video. Turn down the lights where you are, try to clear the mechanism, and let it play. Nothing Else by Cody Carnes I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave Oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything More than anything that You can do I just want You I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions I'm sorry when I just sang another song Take me back to where we started I open up my heart to You I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough Take me back to where we started I open up my heart to You I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave Oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything And more than anything that You can do I just want You I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus Nothing else will do I'm coming back to where we started I'm coming back to where we started When I first felt Your love You're all that matters, Jesus You're all that matters I'm coming back to what really matters Just Your heart I just want to bless Your heart, Jesus I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave And oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything More than anything that You can do Oh, I just want You Source: Musixmatch Songwriters: Cody Carnes / Hank Bentley / jessie early Nothing Else lyrics © Capitol Cmg Paragon, Capitol Cmg Amplifier, EVERY SQUARE INCH, WRITERS ROOF PUBLISHING From the moment I first saw you, I knew I loved you more deeply than I ever thought possible. For you penetrated my heart in a way that the walls I have built around it for protection had no chance. And once past those walls, you began to work on me from within, slowly tearing down the walls and allowing me to love more freely. To love you without thought of the past. And to give myself willingly to make sure you would be safe. For you are mine. I choose you. Feelings of inadequacy melted away to a resolve of determination. I will fight for you. I will not ever give up on you. I will lay down my life, any dreams that did not include you and my personal freedoms all so you can live a life full of wonder, adventure, laughter and love. I am your father and you are my child. Do not be afraid to dream big and I will help you reach for those dreams. Do not be afraid of falling because I will be there to help you up again. Do not be afraid little one, live life to its fullest, because Daddy is here.
Sitting here in the dark, I try to open my eyes but I see nothing. A faint sliver of light off in the distance, my hope is gone. Desperate, I try to orient myself. How did I end up here? Where is “here”? How do I get out of this place? I hear nothing but the clanking of metal chains against the stone ground. Feeling my wrists, I realize that my hands and feet are bound by handcuffs and I seem to be chained to something. My muscles are weak. My brain is numb. And I am battered and bruised. How long have I been here? And what did I do to deserve this treatment?
Voices. I hear voices! But what are they saying? I try to speak out but my mouth is parched and dry. I am straining to even squeak out a response to the voices. Are they laughing? What are they saying? Slave! You are worthless. You are ugly. No one cares about you. No one wants you. Give up! And now I feel the weight of the situation begin to hit me. I fight and I struggle against the bindings but they feel like they are stronger every time I push and pull. The more I struggle, the darker it feels. And that light I spoke of, I don’t know where it is anymore. I don’t know where it came from or where it went. I feel like I’ve tried everything but nothing is working. And I cry in despair. ----- In the book of Acts chapter 12, there is a story about the followers of Christ being persecuted, slaughtered and imprisoned. Peter is arrested and put in prison. And the scriptures say that “the church was earnestly praying to God for him”. There came a night when Peter was in prison and an angel of God came to him and woke him. And once again the scriptures say that “the chains fell off of Peter’s wrists”. Peter then was instructed to get dressed and quickly he followed the angel past the guards and out of the prison. The prison doors and chains that bound him were open or broken. And Peter walked out of the prison with nothing or no one holding him back. Once outside, the angel disappears and Peter returns to the church that is praying for him. ---- I believe that there are sometimes in our lives where we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. We feel beat up, abandoned or even bound by life’s circumstances. Whether it is relational, financial, our jobs, debt, lies or any number of sins, I believe that Satan uses those things to bind us. He shames us which tends to cause people to go into isolation. If we can just keep quiet about these sins, no one needs to know and I will get through it. And when we keep more and more of these secrets, we dig ourselves deeper and deeper into a black pit. Away from our supports. Sometimes we even drive others away when we react out of our shame. The truth is we don’t want to be alone. But we begin to believe the lies of the enemy saying that no one would like me if they knew just how bad I actually am. No one could possibly love the person that I have become...Darker and darker we are placed into a prison of the heart and mind. And we give strength to the lies until we don’t have the will or the hope to fight it anymore. The scene or picture I painted above was not what I believe Peter was dealing with. However I do believe that it is something we deal with today in our everyday lives. We hide something and it begins to weigh on us. It cuffs our hands and our feet. It binds our hearts and minds until we lose the hope of freedom. And we live with that weight until we are paralyzed by the effects of long suffering. However, I brought up this story of Peter in prison not to remind us of our own despair but to show us that prayer can break that which binds us. We can be in our darkest of places and through prayer, an angel of the Lord can appear to us, wake us from our slumber, and lead us into the light. The chains can and will break off of your hands and feet. And you can find freedom from the oppression. So the questions we all need to ask ourselves are, what am I allowing to weigh me down and lead me towards darkness? Am I trying to do this all on my own power or am I praying that God deliver me from my oppression? Because I believe that when we pray, the chains will loosen and then fall from our hands and feet. I believe the prison doors will open and it will be up to us whether we walk through them or continue to be prisoners/slaves to our sins. ----- Acts 12:1-10 New International Version (NIV) Peter’s Miraculous Escape From Prison 12 It was about this time that King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church, intending to persecute them. 2 He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword. 3 When he saw that this met with approval among the Jews,he proceeded to seize Peter also. This happened during the Festival of Unleavened Bread. 4 After arresting him, he put him in prison, handing him over to be guarded by four squads of four soldiers each. Herod intended to bring him out for public trial after the Passover. 5 So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him. 6 The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance.7 Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. “Quick, get up!” he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists. 8 Then the angel said to him, “Put on your clothes and sandals.” And Peter did so. “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me,” the angel told him. 9 Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea that what the angel was doing was really happening; he thought he was seeing a vision. 10 They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself,and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him. Yesterday we took our daughter out to Donovan Park in The Heights. It’s a cute little wooden park in the middle of the community. First thing she saw was a wooden train that she just had to run up to and begin to explore. I stood there with my camera in hand to take pictures of her as she went in and out of the caboose, as well as the other cars on the train. In a tunnel and out the other end she popped her head out and every time had the biggest smile on her face. From there, my little dare devil ran to the tornado slide and had to find the stairs leading to the top. Sliding down she gave both my wife and me a scare because there were several other children attempting to climb up the slide when she was on here way down. About half way down, she stalled out and it looked like she may tip over the side. So once we got her down safely, we instructed the kids not to climb up the slide but we also tried to redirect our daughter to another part of the park.
Running around the corner of the slide, we found a mini climbing wall with red, yellow, green and blue hand holds. So of course my little climber runs to the wall and immediately wants to climb to the top of the wall. With no training whatsoever, my 2 year old who climbs up everything, grabs a hold of the first hand hold and starts to pull herself up. Placing a foot on one of the bottom holds, she pulls up and then places her foot on the next level of handholds. Hand over hand she looks for the next place to put her hands and feet as the top is within sight. And within a minute or two, she was at the top. This scene has played out in my mind many times over the last two days. And every time I think about it, I smile. I am proud of my little girl for her determination to get to the top. There were plenty of times where she was stuck, would have had to backtrack a little or could have gotten discouraged and quit. But she kept going. Behind her, we stood ensuring her safety but not interfering with her process or progress. If she were to get to that place that she was going to fall, of course we would be behind her to catch her. And we were verbally encouraging her every step of the way. It makes me think about our Father in heaven and His interactions with us as His children. I am certain there are many times that He is there cheering us on. When we are struggling to get to that next step or even to get a hold of the next hand hold, he is standing behind us cheering for each grab and celebrating it as a victory. And just like with my daughter, there will be times that we will struggle. There may be times when we want to give up. Maybe even times when we feel secluded, isolated or alone. But it is important for us to remember that we are never alone. He is always there and He always wants what is best for us. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all of your ways submit to Him and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6 I feel like God posed a question to me today that I would like to share with you as you read this post. The question is quite simply, what are you holding on to that is keeping you from experiencing me more fully? Let me explain...
This question came to me when I took my daughter to the park earlier today. We were both enjoying the weather as we walked down the sidewalk. We chased each other’s shadows on the ground and my daughter had the biggest grin on her face knowing she was going in the direction of the park. She was toting her new Dory Sippy cup with her, drinking her watered down apple juice, and she didn’t have a care in the world. From my perspective, I was watching her with pride and amusement. My daughter is growing up so fast. She is a little over two years old now and she stands a lot taller, walks a lot better and talks in unintelligible sentences so much more day after day. The park isn’t far from our house so it didn't take much time to get there. However we stopped several times over the block and a half to marvel at the birds flying over head, the airplanes in the sky, the insects on the ground and thinking back on it all, I don’t know that I would have appreciated or even remembered all these details had I not stopped and marveled with her. It’s funny how easy it is to walk through life and not really experience it. Or to be on auto-pilot sometimes which in turn filters away the joys of life that God has created all around us. When we arrived at the park, the first thing I did was ask Sophia whether I could hold her sippy cup thinking that it would free her up to play more fully and enjoy the park. Like most two year olds, I heard the word “noooooooooo” and I responded to her with an “okay” knowing full well that eventually I would be picking that thing up off the ground as I followed her around the jungle gym. First she ran underneath to a tunnel section and she sat down with her cup, took a drink and gave me a big smile through one of the openings in the tunnel. As I walked around to get a better vantage point, she crawled through the tunnel slowly with her cup in her arms cupped like a baby doll and was then quickly off to the next thing. She walked up the stairs and made her way to the tornado slide which she rethought and then went to one of the tunnel slides (which she loves to slide down and then walk back up). As I followed her to that slide, that is when the thought first really came to my mind more clearly. Sophia would have so much more fun if she wasn’t holding on to her cup. But she still wasn’t willing to part with it so I just let her continue to play and find creative ways to keep it with her. She slid down the slide and once she reached the bottom, just as she always does, she got up and tried to climb back up the slide. But this time she only got up the slide about half way before she realized that she needed to put her hands down to stabilize and since she had that cup in one hand, she could never make it all the way back up the slide despite several attempts. From her daddy’s perspective, I’m not trying to take her cup away so she can’t have it. I am trying to take it away so she can enjoy herself more and it would be available to her should she ask for it or need it. So once again, what are you holding on to that is keeping you from experiencing me (God) more fully? In the past, I’ve held onto my relationships, my church, my finances, my job… Therefore I need to self evaluate, perhaps daily, whether there is something in my life right now that is keeping me from living the life that he has created for me to live. If you are not fulfilled by what you do, change it. Life is too short to not do what truly gives you a sense of fulfillment. That’s not to say that every day will be rainbows and butterflies. There will be tough days. There will be tough weeks. Seasons of time where you need to put your head down, endure and push through. Yet in pushing through we become passionate. The word passion is from the Latin word pati, which means ‘suffer’. And through our endurance of that which is uncomfortable, our pushing through the difficult time, we become people of passion. However at the end of the day, you must ask yourself whether the life decision, job or career choice you have made so far is fulfilling? Look past your immediate emotions and current feelings. Are you filled with hope and happiness when you think about your job? Or are you filled with dread and despair? Is what you are going through worth becoming passionate about? Is the end result worth being subjected to something that is unpleasant for a time to find fulfillment in the end?
Happiness is a fleeting emotional response to something deeper and below the surface. We all strive for happiness and want to hold on to it for as long as we can. However seeking happiness is like seeking something that cannot be caught. It is like trying to hold water in your hands. You have it but do you really? Therefore we don’t seek happiness. We seek that which fills us with joy and hope. Because when we find those things, we also find showers of happiness. There is a poem/song I enjoy written by a band named The Fray. It seems to capture the essence of happiness. Happiness, is just outside my window I thought it crashed blowing eighty-miles an hour? Or is happiness a little more like knocking On your door, and you just let it in? Happiness, feels a lot like sorrow Let it be, you can't make it come or go But you are gone. not for good but for now Gone for now, feels a lot like gone for good Happiness, is a firecracker sitting on my headboard Happiness was never mine to hold Careful child, light the fuse and get away Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks Happiness, damn near destroys you Breaks your faith, to pieces on the floor So you tell yourself, that's enough for now Happiness has a violent roar Happiness, is like the old man told me Look for it, but you'll never find it all Let it go, live your life and leave it Then one day, wake up and she'll be home Happiness – The Fray So we begin to ask ourselves the question that may scare us when asked. Am I truly happy where I am? Have I been trying to make my circumstances work because it’s the easiest thing to do? And to take it a step further, a question we should ask is, have I not tried because I am afraid of failure? Some of us do not try to take the next step out of our current circumstances because in the back of our mind we can justify not succeeding with not really trying. And in not trying, we haven’t failed. We put off our hopes and dreams. We set aside our goals and ambitions so that questions of “what if” can be said without the weight of “I failed”. Teddy Roosevelt stated “Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat”. A much more modern way to say that would be to say it is better to try and fail than never to have tried at all. But can our heart take the loss or failure? Coming from a place where my heart has been broken to pieces, I can tell you that I dared to love a baby without the guarantee that the baby would be mine. And after two years of pouring out that love into the little one, in the end I feel he was stolen from me. My heart still mourns at his loss. For which I will one day ask my creator the age old question, “why?” But for now, I can honestly say that the risk was worth it. I wouldn’t trade away the memories I have of cuddling, tickling and hearing his little laugh. I was his rock and his protector. I was daddy. And I will love him til my last breath. So much pain is associated with that specific situation. I now know how it feels to have loved and lost. To be truly full of joy, hope and love at the chance of being a husband and a daddy. But the story does not end there. In the midst of such great pain and sorrow I have not given up the hope of being a daddy. I have not held back from loving another child with everything my heart can give. Even at the risk of losing again, each day I make a choice to love with everything that I have. The question you may ask yourself when reading this is “why would anyone ever do that again?” And the answer is because in being a daddy, I found fulfillment and joy. So the risk was and is worth the reward to me. What is it that something or someone that is worth risking failure, rejection or loss for you? What is worth you putting it all out in the open, trying your hardest, and being the most vulnerable for? If you don’t immediately know the answer it is okay. But don’t give up the search for this answer. And even if you do know the answer, don’t hold back from pursuing fulfillment. Maybe your current circumstances do not support your end result or goal. What needs to be done to change that? In finding fulfillment, you will find those showers of happiness; and your heart will be free. |
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