1/12/2020 Do you remember the age of innocence? Or was it the age of ignorance? Maybe it was a little of both. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We were innocent from our lack of experience and ignorant of the many challenges that growing older would bring. Our faith was pure but frail. We stood on the teachings of our parents and teachers but once again since we had not had the experiences ourselves, we could only partially receive, understand, or comprehend the lessons. It is almost like we were being taught how to multiply before we understood how to count. I remember people saying life would be hard and there would be people out there that would kick me when I was down. And although I thought I understood the warnings, I had no idea of just how tough life would get. I had no concept of really being down and not having the energy to pick myself up again before the next kick of life hit me. It was my age of innocence and ignorance. … I’m tired. Not just the kind of tired that one gets at the end of the day. I am tired of working so hard and feeling like I am still sinking. Choked of life, gasping for breathing room, and fighting with every ounce of energy I have, it feels like I’ve been giving everything I can for so long. I’ve been working hard putting in the hours in every job I’ve held. Fighting for not only the paycheck but also the fulfillment of doing what I was created to do. Stretching myself to make an impact. Striving for significance. The greater part of my adult life has not been easy. It has been an uphill battle for as long as I can remember. Not even the things that should be easy like having children with my wife, was easy. Several years into our marriage when we were officially “trying” to have children, I was diagnosed as having a genetic disorder that would not allow me to naturally conceive. The desire to be a father was instilled in me at an early age. It was one of my dreams and deepest desires to be a good father and loving husband for my family yet at the time, even that dream felt like it was being stolen from me. 1/13/2020 Have I been running this race under my own power? I hate running. But the analogy works so I’m going with it. This whole time I’ve thought I’ve been giving it to God. But I’m tired. Am I supposed to be this tired? And I feel like I’ve been in a desert. I’m starving and thirsty for a word or touch from God. And the wandering has been so long that I feel like the answers to my problems are eluding me. My relationship with God has slowed as I feel like I’ve not had a taste of His refreshing and life giving Water for so long. I’m coming back to the Heart of Worship. I’m sitting at His feet. This week I voiced a challenge to my wife and explained that for the next week I was going to end every day, where I would normally flip on the television and watch a show to relax, with a worship list playing on YouTube. I will spend time with God every night and just try to soak in whatever I can. So the playlist starts with a declaration that Nothing Else matters. I just want to sit in His presence. And then it progresses to See a Victory. “I’m gonna see a Victory. For the battle belongs to You Lord…I’m gonna worship You Lord through this battle…You take what the enemy meant for evil and You turn it for good.” Next we go to Way Maker. As once again I declare that God will make a way for me through this desert. “Way Maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, Light in the darkness, My God, that is who You are.” I’m positioning myself to rest in His presence. I am positioning myself to be filled by Him. I am expecting Him. But not limiting Him by saying speak to me or bless me or fill in the blank. I am just here and I am welcoming Him. 1/16/2020 Its been a week of nightly worship and I love the fact that my kids use it as a stalling technique when it comes time for bedtime…”Daddy, we not worship?” my daughter loves to say when we’ve already announced its time for bed. So to compromise, usually the kids get about another 15 mins worth of YouTube worship videos played because daddy gets sucked into the worship. I’ve got a playlist of videos I’ve been playing all week and in addition to watching the worship, I’ve been able to join in on the singing once my spirit calms a little and I clear my head from the noise. Ever see the movie For the Love of the Game? There are several scenes in the movie where Kevin Costner, the main character of the movie is pitching and needs to clear the chants of the crowd. In his head, he says “Clear the Mechanism” and all the sounds around him clear so he can focus on the batter and his next pitch. How amazing it would be if we could make this simple statement and all our troubles for the day would quiet. “Clear the mechanism” and the worries, anxieties and stresses would cease from weighing us down and drowning our minds. “Clear the mechanism” and we would be able to enter into worship unhindered. But we know that this is not the case. Simply saying the words does not make it all go away. Yet I do know, from experience, that truly praying and asking God to relieve you of those things helps to clear the mechanism. Sometimes, those worries just go away. Sometimes, it takes presenting those stresses to God and declaring that He has you in His hands and you are refusing to take them any further on your journey. And sometimes, God gives you the space just to deal with all of it safely in His presence. This is what I like to call “beat(ing) the ground”. I’ve had some knock down drag out times with my issues, insecurities, worries, anxieties, stresses, and heart breaks where I literally cried out to God and beat my fists or whatever I had in my hands against the ground. Sometimes the questions are “Why God?”, “What?”, “How?”, or even “When?”. And I know plenty of Christians say “don’t question God or His ways” which I think is unnatural. Don’t get me wrong. I do think we need to trust in the Lord with all of our heart and lean not on our own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight. But I also believe that God is big enough and tough enough to handle us when we earnestly are seeking, asking and sometimes beating the ground. I guess I write all of this with a tired mind but a renewed spirit. My problems have not disappeared. They still exist like they did at the beginning of this week. And I am still tired mentally, spiritually, and physically. But spiritually this week in taking the time to worship every night, I have built up some spiritual strength. Enough to remember that God is worthy of our praise regardless of our circumstances. And so I end this entry today with the lyrics of the worship song that has been the fresh drink of Living Water that I’ve needed to make it through the week. I encourage each of you to go to the bottom of this post and open the YouTube video. Turn down the lights where you are, try to clear the mechanism, and let it play. Nothing Else by Cody Carnes I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave Oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything More than anything that You can do I just want You I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions I'm sorry when I just sang another song Take me back to where we started I open up my heart to You I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough Take me back to where we started I open up my heart to You I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave Oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything And more than anything that You can do I just want You I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else Nothing else will do I just want You Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus Nothing else will do I'm coming back to where we started I'm coming back to where we started When I first felt Your love You're all that matters, Jesus You're all that matters I'm coming back to what really matters Just Your heart I just want to bless Your heart, Jesus I'm caught up in Your presence I just want to sit here at Your feet I'm caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave And oh, I'm not here for blessings Jesus, You don't owe me anything More than anything that You can do Oh, I just want You Source: Musixmatch Songwriters: Cody Carnes / Hank Bentley / jessie early Nothing Else lyrics © Capitol Cmg Paragon, Capitol Cmg Amplifier, EVERY SQUARE INCH, WRITERS ROOF PUBLISHING
6 Comments
Brenda Rindels
1/17/2020 08:06:01 am
This makes me so encouraged for you...you can’t explain the long walk through life to a young person... it must be experienced. Even now, at 66 I’m realizing just how long it is- and I certainly want it to be much longer... but the source of sustenance must be a relational one- and the One
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Obadiah Pendleton
1/17/2020 02:07:38 pm
I have never responded to a blog before and I’m not a good writer to say the least but I think this is awesome and I am glad to see you using an outlet like this to express how you feel and whats going on with you. You guys have been an inspiration to me and my family. We bonded right from the start.
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Kristin
1/17/2020 04:08:41 pm
Absolutely beautiful. Your words are something we all hear and feel. Sometimes you need a little darkness to see the light. We are in our kids “good ole days” I’m really trying to enjoy it with them, but sometimes it’s really hard. Keep up the good work. You are doing great!!
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Blair Overman
1/18/2020 08:54:18 am
Jonathan, I love this and your words hold a powerful message of truth and freedom. When we return to our first love and just spend time as the Beloved of God in his presence we are refreshed and filled up. Our perspective changes because we change our view point. I am praying that as you continue to enter into his presence you are able to relax in his arms.
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Jarrod Theriot
1/20/2020 06:25:13 pm
Well said. Don’t feel alone in the struggle spiritually or other. It can be a daily thing. I know I always think back to a line from the hymn “Be still my soul” it says “through thorny ways leads to a joyful end”. In my toughest times I think of this, it’s not hard I had it tattooed on my arm, and remember everything has its feast and famine.
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Lizzieann Troyer
2/9/2020 08:45:55 pm
Worship songs have been my lifeline from God through all the challenges of life, too. I'm so glad you are finding that powerful source of comfort and strength as well. Keep looking up!
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